I Just Don't Have The Time - November 4, 2007

Figure it's time I write another blog, haven't done so in a while and I enjoy them.  Nothing too profound this evening.  I think I've decided to dump Philosophy as a second major.  I'm almost finished with the major requirements so I should just finish it, but I'm not sure I can write another paper on substance or mind body relations.  I think Philosophy is more of a hobby for me now because it is just not as enjoyable academically as I thought it would be.  I'm loving my Sociology classes though, they're killing me, but I'd much rather write on gender and class relations then some ancient Presocratic. 

I've been thinking more and more about working and going to school and I really feel it's compromising my education.  Sometimes I turn in a paper knowing what I could have done to make it an A paper, but I just didn't have the time.  I had to write three papers over the last two weeks, two five pages, and one ten page!  That's three subjects to research and write on in two weekends and a few good weeknights.  It kills me when I hand in a paper knowing if I just had two more days, and didn't have to work so much I could have produced an A.  It is so discouraging!  I hate to sound like I'm complaining because I know plenty of other people in the same boat, but they typically complain about the same kinds of things as I do.  College Professors seem to suffer from this false assumption that all college students live on campus, have no bills, don't have to work, and are able to spend all their time devoted to being a college student.  At least at my school anyway.  The fact of the matter is that's just not a reality anymore, and I'm starting to believe it's never been.

I guess I find it sad that a person like me who loves school, and who would love to do all my readings, be prepared for class everyday, and write stellar papers can't because of work and time constraints.  But I figure that's why I choose the major I did.  Sociology tells us why so many intelligent people miss out on college, and why so many privileged kids skate through with C's when they don't have to work or worry about anything.  It all comes down to opportunity, appreciation, and the drive to want to do well in college.  Someone who's had everything handed to them in life, and who is being forced to go to college by their parents cannot appreciate the privilege at the same level as someone who wants to go to college and actually has to work and pay for it themself.  It just saddens me that college is so unattainable, because it is such an amazing experience, and everyone who wants to further their education should have the opportunity to do so.  And it saddens me even more that the students working the hardest have to compromise the quality of their education in order to even go to college.  Something seems terribly wrong with this system…

World of Warcraft Soundtrack

Jason Hayes

A Bit of Insight - September 5, 2007

Kay Jamison is a professor of psychiatry and writer who is one of the foremost experts on bipolar disorder, which she herself suffers from.  I'm doing some research on her for a paper and ran across this amazing piece of insight.  I was so impressed I just had to share.  It's a bit wordy, but sooo true!  Give it a read…

"I long ago abandoned the notion of a life without storms, or a world without dry and killing seasons.  Life is too complicated, too constantly changing, to be anything but what it is.  And I am, by nature, too mercurial to be anything but deeply wary of the grave unnaturalness involved in any attempt to exert too much control over essentially uncontrollable forces.  There will always be propelling, disturbing elements, and they will be there until, as Lowell put it, the watch is taken from the wrist.  It is, at the end of the day, the individual moments of restlessness, of bleakness, of strong persuasions and maddened enthusiasms, that inform one's life, change the nature and direction of one's work, and give final meaning and color to one's loves and friendships."

Stand Still, Look Pretty

The Wreckers

Moving Again - August 2, 2007

Two years ago today I was at the end of my longest relationship, starting a new job, and moving to a new place with one of my now closest friends Desiree.  One year ago today I was moving again, this time to the first place of my own midtown.  And now here I am packing once again for yet another move, this time to move-in with my wonderful boyfriend.  For those of you who are counting, yes, that makes the third move in two years – not counting the extra move in the middle from the horrible tiny place on 24th and H Streets.  So yeah, that's four total!  Sometimes I can't believe how much has happened in the last two years.  Aside from the multiple moves, I've discovered myself, found my independence, forged my own life, met some wonderful people along the way, and most importantly met the most wonderful guy in the world who shows me love like I've never imagined possible.  Amazing!  Don't get me wrong the last two years have not been all fun and excitement.  There were some very dark times, lots of loneliness, confusion, and difficult self-reflection that brought me to my highest highs and lowest lows.  Change is not a simple thing.  We are by nature creatures of habit, and even though we may long for change, actually doing it is another thing.  At times I felt helpless, but it took those feelings to realize how strong I really am.  Life presented me with challenges, I never gave up, I overcame, and now here I am, dark days gone, forging a new and exciting life.  I never could have imagined how it would turnout, and how happy I would be for all the decisions I made and the fate that brought Richie into my life.  I am just in ahh…  And who knows where life will take me from here?  I'm hoping to grad school with my Richie and Chloe in tow – lol!  We shall see…  Nevertheless, I am so pleased and grateful with my life.  I really could not have asked for more. 

Across A Wire: Live in New York City
The Counting Crows

What Doesn't Kill You - July 21, 2007

I've decided what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.  In my case it is school.   Sometimes I find myself so stressed about school that I have no other choice but to drop everything around me and just work, work, work like crazy on homework.  It's either that or have a nervous breakdown worrying about it.  My house gets messy and I don't have time to clean or do anything like go to the grocery store or workout, whatever.  I can't have any hobbies or extracurricular activities.  I can't even find time to clean my car out. But mom always said "when you're so overwhelmed you don't know where to start, just start."  And so I do and eventually the homework is done.  But then I'm so mentally drained all I want to do is sleep.  I come home from school after six hours of lecture and I pass out.  I come home from work after worrying in the back of my mind all day about school and I pass out.  I can't get up on the weekends because all I have to look forward to is homework.  I do wake-up and do my homework but only to pass out again after I'm done.  Sometimes I wonder is all this really worth it?  But then another quarter passes, another hellish week of finals is over, and I am ecstatic to have another four classes under my belt and a bright future ahead of me.  The dream of graduating is that much closer and I swear that is the only thing that keeps me going.  Don't get me wrong this experience is providing me with invaluable personal growth and I love learning new things and educating myself, I just wish I could do it at a more pleasurable pace.  I'm paying all this money only to race through what is supposed to be one of the greatest experiences in my life.  I want to slow down and really soak it all in, I just haven't the time.

One thing I'll tell you about this experience is it is showing me what I'm capable of.  Working this hard has made me very aware of what one person is capable of accomplishing if they want it bad enough.  For this reason I have become very impatient with people who make excuses about why they "can't" do something.  I wish they would just come right out and say they don't "want" to do something and just be real about it.  Maybe they think they're not capable, but you don't know until you try.  I've seen people accomplishment insane stuff because they wanted it bad enough.  So even though school is killing me it is making me stronger.  I refuse to quit.  My Nana always said "when Kelly sets her mind to something there is no stopping her."  I've never agreed with her more than I do now.  I hope I'm making her proud.

Speak for Yourself

Imogen Heap

Studying for Finals - June 11, 2007

I'm in the middle of studying my ass off for finals, which basically translates to me cramming my brain as full as possible with as much information in the hope of retaining it for two days at best.  True Story.  But I just read something so profound, so true, and therefore so scary I had to jot it down.  It's from an article discussing the rationalization of bureaucracy in Western society.  Basically how goal-oriented organizations aka "big business" have dehumanized the modern employee, causing a shift in our society away from traditional ways of life.  Here's where the article hit home for me:

"It is horrible to think that the world could one day be filled with nothing but little cogs (working devices), little men clinging to little jobs and striving toward bigger ones…This passion for bureaucracy is enough to drive one to despair.  It is as if we were to deliberately become men who need "order" and nothing but order, and become nervous and cowardly if for one moment this order waivers, and helpless if torn away from it. That the world should know no men but these: it is such an evolution that we are already caught up in, and the question is, not how we can promote it, but what can we do in order to keep a portion of mankind free from this disappearance of the soul, and supreme mastery of bureaucratic life."

I mean, wow!  I'm sure everyone can relate to this feeling.  We have probably all felt a bit of this in our lives.  Like the world is just swallowing you whole and no matter how fast you move it's like quick sand that won't let you go.  Feelings of struggle and strife, like no matter how hard you try you cannot get ahead in life. (Oooh, that rhymed!)  So you see it's no accident, and not to make excuses, but it may not be completely your fault either.  People need to stop being so hard on themselves and realize why things work the way they work.  All one can do is seek the best possible avenue out, stay on the ball, and simply have patience while the humongous wheel of bureaucracy turns.  Because hey, we can't all be Paris Hilton, right?  But she got hers (lol) so maybe we can all feel a little bit better for the next 40 days or so…

Facing New York

Facing New York

Father's Perspective - April 5, 2007

I have never met a man more capable of bringing life into perspective then my Father.  He lives his life so basically that I often feel I am in the presence of an enlightened being.  He has this undeniable intuition and understanding of things that sometimes just watching him can bring me down to earth.  He walked into my apartment today and awkwardly examined all my stuff, and this made me suddenly conscious of just how unnecessary a lot of it is.  Then he walked into my backyard and his eyes light up at the sight of my fruit trees, and watching this reaction brought it into perspective without either of us having to say a word.  I realized that the things I think I need are nothing more then things I want and I don't really need them at all.

My Father is not dependent on a single modern amenity.  If he is lacking something, he will build it from scratch, and unlike most people he can turn around and explain it to you from start to finish.  He does not need an instruction manual.  He does not need to search the web to figure it out.  If he is faced with any need or dilemma, he simply uses good old fashion brain power to figure it out.  He is completely free and independent which is a concept I think most people do not take into consideration.  While most people in the world are busy working their ass off to afford and maintain a certain lifestyle, my Father is living the good life completely relaxed and content with what he has made for himself.  And while I don't think this is enough for most people to be happy, it is nice to be reminded of the basics in life once in a while.  This is why I will always admire my pops, and why I will always try my best to keep things in moderation.  Because if you live your life for your possessions, are you really in control?  Think about it...

Back to Basics

Christina Aguilera

Vicious but Clever - March 6, 2007

This is why everyone should read a little Plato at least once in their life.  I fell in love with this passage when I read it.  Tell me this doesn't relate to our world today...

"The power to learn is in each soul, and the instrument with which it learns is like an eye turning from darkness to light.  Education takes for granted that sight is there, but that it isn't turned the right way, or looking where it ought to look.  And while virtues aren't there before hand but are learned in life, reason seems to belong to something more divine which never loses its power.  But it is either useful and beneficial, or useless and harmful, depending on the way the minds eye is turned.  Or have you never noticed this about people who are said to be vicious but clever, how keen the vision of their little souls is and how sharply it distinguishes the things it is turned towards?  This shows that sight isn't inferior but rather forced to serve evil ends, showing that the sharper it sees, the more evil it accomplishes.  However, when freed from the bounds of feasting, greed, and other such pleasures, like leaden weights pulling its vision down - it, being rid of these, turns to look at true things, then I say that the same soul of the same person would see these more sharply, just as it does now see evil." (518e, 519b)

Well it makes sense to me anyway...

The Republic

Plato